Emotional Hurdles

10-28-12  I have been very emotional over the past couple of weeks knowing that this week was coming.  Even writing this now is making me cry. I hit 15 weeks of pregnancy this week, which is how far along I was when I lost our last baby..... 15 weeks and 2 days to be exact. A week from that mark in this pregnancy, also would have been the due date of our baby boy.  So, I get to tackle two big days in the next two weeks. Before I got pregnant this last time, I thought that getting pregnant again would help me be able to move on from that last miscarriage.  I was wrong.  It hasn't gotten easier really.  I don't think it's something I will ever forget and be able to "move on" from.  That experience is a part of me, and that sweet baby boy will always hold a special place in my heart.  Joe and I will always miss him and those feelings will never go away.  Sometimes I've just laid in bed and started to cry.  Joe can usually guess right away what I'm thinking and feeling.  I know he goes through the same thing because he will often say "I miss our boy."  I've found that with time the extreme sadness and weight that I felt has been lifted somewhat, but I don't think it's something you "move on" from.  I feel the same way about my grandmother's death.  I never stop missing her, but I don't feel that deep sadness as often anymore like I did when she passed away.  I assumed it would get easier when I got pregnant again, but if anything, this pregnancy has just made me think about him more.  I constantly think to myself "at this point last time, this is what was going on..."

Moving into our house, and leaving our apartment last week was very hard for me. The time finally came when we had to get everything moved over and turn in our keys.  Joe had to work last Saturday so I cleaned the apartment for our final inspection.  When I was done, I just had to sit there for a few minutes and cry.  That was our first apartment together after we got married, we had our first big fight there(over stuffing on Christmas=) ), that's where we spent our first Christmas together, it's where we found out I was pregnant all 4 times, it's where we've shared birthdays, friends and family have come to visit, and so many more wonderful memories.  The hardest thing though was leaving the place where I  held my baby boy for the first time, and witnessed the miracle of life.  Some may think I would want to get away from where that traumatic day in our lives happened, but that's not how I felt.  I guess in a way I felt like the apartment where it happened, and the memories there are all that I had left.  It may seem crazy, but unless you have experienced something similar then it would really be hard to relate to or understand.

 I did dry most of the flowers that we received from friends and family who sent their condolences, and I found a cute glass jar to put them in as something to visually remind us of him.  I'm also going to frame the picture Joe and I took to share I was pregnant with him.  I will always be so grateful that we took these pictures.

It gives us comfort to know that he is with Joe's mom, and my grandma.  Hopefully after these next couple of weeks things will get a little easier, since I won't have any previous pregnancies to relate to after next week.  I know we will both always miss him.

Birthday Surprise

OCTOBER

After I found out I was pregnant, I started thinking of creative ways to tell my family once again that I was pregnant.   Joe and I alternate Thanksgiving and Christmas between our families and this year it was our turn to spend Christmas with my family.  I decided what would be really fun would be just to show up 23 weeks pregnant.  My mom always picks us up from the airport so she would be the first to know, and the thought of seeing her reaction and everyone else's in person seemed really fun!  I had never gotten to a stage of actually looking pregnant, so they had never seen me with any sort of "bump" and I thought it would be great fun, at least for Joe and me, if we just showed up and surprised them!=)  ha ha!  So, that was my original plan.  Well, somehow my plans never seem to really work out.  I don't know why I even come up with them any more=) 

My mom and I share a birthday, which happened to be 3 days after I got my stitch put in.  I had already sent her card and present when Joe and I went to my appointment after I had gotten the cerclage.  Well, I decided I had better ask my doctor if I would be allowed to fly home for Christmas.  Turns out his answer was no!=(  He said around 20 weeks that I would most likely be on house arrest, and possibly bed rest, depending on how things were going.  He also said he didn't want me to be too far away from him in case something happened.  My heart dropped and I tried hard not to cry right there in his office.  I wasn't going to be able to spend Christmas with my family, AND I wasn't going to be able to share with them in person that I was pregnant again.  As disappointed as I was, I knew the most important thing right now was this sweet baby, and doing all I could to make sure he or she was kept safe and healthy and nothing was worth risking that.

So, I had to come up with plan B.  All of my siblings and their families go to my parent's house for dinner on the 2nd, and 4th Sundays of the month.  If someone has a birthday that is when they usually celebrate it all together, unless it's one of the grandkids.  Then their parents usually throw a birthday party.  Anyways, so I found out from my mom she had not opened her present or card I had sent yet.  She was waiting until October 21st when they celebrated with the family.  So, I decided I would send something before then that she could open to share with everyone that I was pregnant.  We usually ichat or facetime on the birthday Sundays to watch family open presents, read cards, and blow out the candles.  So, they wouldn't suspect anything=)  

I decided to write a poem to my mom from the baby, and include a sonogram picture.  I framed it so it's something she could keep and display if she wanted.  I'm no poet, mind you, but I was able to come up with something that turned out pretty cute.  I let my mom know I was sending one more package for her to open on her birthday because I had come across something I knew she would absolutely love and had to get it.  =)  

When the 21st finally came we anxiously watched as she opened her cards and presents, and we told her to save ours for last.  As soon as she opened it, the tears started flowing......from their side and from ours.  She excitedly turned it around to show everyone and then started to read them the poem.  It took a couple start and stops to gain her composure and wipe tears, but she made it through the entire thing.  Tiff was holding the ipad, and scanned the room at one point to show the tears and emotions that everyone in the room was feeling.  It was a very special moment that I will never forget.  Everyone was so loving, supportive, and excited for us.  

     

I had always shared with them that I was pregnant around 6 or 7 weeks, so this was the first time I was in the second trimester before sharing.  Things are going well so far, and I know our prayers and the prayers of our family and friends are being heard.  I really feel like it hasn't been this child's time to come to earth yet, as much as we have wanted it.  The trials that Joe and I have faced together as we have struggled to bring a child into this world, have really strengthened our relationship and love so much.  It was such a fun day to be able to share the exciting news with my family!  

The Miracle Stitch

10-3-12 I'm eleven weeks pregnant this week, and I had my cerclage put in today.  We had to go to a surgical center early this morning. Time has flown by!  I couldn't believe it was already time to have the stitch put in!  This will hopefully be the answer to our prayers of being able to have a child.

I started feeling really nervous after we got there.  I really didn't know what to expect.  The last time I had been somewhere like that, was when I had my d&c done to remove the piece of the placenta that was still in my uterus after I lost our baby.  I got changed into a gown like last time, had an IV put in, and then a bunch of wires hooked up.  The nurse was so sweet, and made me feel comfortable up until Dr. Cook came back to talk to us.  When he arrived I knew it was "go time" and my heart started racing. The unknown is scary, especially when it comes to medical procedures.  I'm not sure how he actually put the stitch in, and I really didn't want to know.  I think I stressed less because I didn't know exactly what my body was about to go through.  My doctor is so sweet and I trust him 100%.  Of course, he and Joe had to talk about Aggie Football before Joe headed to the waiting room.=)

All I can say is thank heaven for anesthesia.  Today was a little different from my last surgery because I remember more.  Last time I didn't remember even saying goodbye to Joe.  This time they started the medication through my IV right before they started to wheel me back to the operating room.  I felt really nervous then.  I remember being pushed down the hall into a different room and them asking me to move over from the bed to something else.  Not sure if it was a table, or what.  I remember lifting myself over, and that's all I remember. I don't have any bruises, so I'm assuming I was successful at moving my body before the medication completely knocked me out. =) Waking up this time was a little more rough.  I would wake up a little, then feel SO tired and totally zonk out again.  This happened repeatedly.  After about the 3rd time I started to feel frustrated with myself a little, because I wanted to wake up and see Joe but I really had no control over my body.  I had the sweetest nurses before and after.  I had to eat some crackers, drink some water, and they wanted me to go to the restroom before they would let me leave.  Joe came back and helped me get dressed.  I was still SO out of it.  They wheeled me out to the car in a wheelchair, and then we headed home.  When we got home I took my pain meds and went to bed.  I slept most of that day.  The anesthesia just totally knocked me out all day.  They had prescribed a pain medication that really kept me from feeling much discomfort afterward.  So thankful for that!  It's exciting to know now that the cerclage is in, and that this pregnancy I have a better chance of making it full term.  My doctor said that once he got in to do the surgery, it was very apparent that I do in fact have a weak cervix.  So, that's a relief that he for sure knows that's what was the cause of my last miscarriage. Everything happens for a reason, and I guess the timing of this pregnancy worked out well.  Heavenly Father must have known we didn't need to do the other tests that we had scheduled before I found out I was pregnant.  We feel much better that our chances of finally having a baby join our family are much higher now.  There are still a lot of things that could go wrong, but we're just going to have faith and trust in God's plan for us. We can get through anything, as long as Joe and I have each other.  

The nurse on the right helped me before the surgery, and the one on the right helped me afterward.  They were both so sweet!