Shattered Dreams

I would be lying if I said I hadn't been dreading writing this post.  I know it needs to be done so I can have a record of what happened for Joe and me and our future family, and so I can blog about other things that have happened since.  Joe leaves on Monday for scout camp for a week and I know it will be too hard emotionally to do it when he's gone.  So, this morning while he's at work I'm going to attempt to do this.  It has already been harder than I expected, and I've only uploaded the pics at this point. I'm already surrounded by tissues! Monday will be the 3 week mark of the hardest trial we've experienced together up to this point.  

I found out on February 24th that I was pregnant again!  I have learned to tune into my body when I start to feel a little "off" and knew I needed to take a pregnancy test!  It was positive!!  We couldn't have been happier!  Given my past two early miscarriages though, there is always some hesitancy to get too excited because we fear the worst.  I wanted to do everything right, so as soon as I took the home pregnancy test I called my doctor and she had me come in to have tests run to make sure I was pregnant, and that my levels and everything were ok.  After going back a few days later, and then a  week later, she said everything looked great!  My last miscarriage was shortly after I found out I was pregnant and my progesterone levels had been low.  This time, they were on the high side which she said was great!

We went in for our first ultrasound on March 21, 2012.  We didn't really talk about it too much beforehand but I knew we were both really nervous.  After 2 pregnancies of never seeing a heartbeat, we knew there was a possibility that it could happen again.  I had Joe take a picture before we went in, just to document our first visit in case things turned out well. Then we took one in the nice paper towel gown=)

                          

I think we both held our breath when she started the ultrasound.  There was a big tv monitor on the wall that Joe was standing right in front of and focused on, and I was concentrated on the machine right next to my head.  I think we both sighed a huge sigh of relief when the dr said everything looked great!  She pointed out the heartbeat, because I had never seen one and didn't really know what to look for.  Then, because of my first pregnancy when they thought it was twins, Joe asked "there's just one?!"  He, apparently was hoping for twins again.=)  Just one healthy little bean!

 This one was a couple weeks later.

I had shared with my family when I was home that I was pregnant, and Joe wanted to wait until the 12 week mark to share with his family.  I also found out that my sister-in-law Brittany was pregnant too and I was so excited to have babies that would be close in age.  She was due in September and I was due November 6th.

I was lucky, or unlucky, to be able to have several ultra sounds during my pregnancy because I had been having constant light bleeding or spotting.  When it first started my heart sunk, because I thought I was having another miscarriage.  When I went in my dr checked me and said the baby was fine, my cervix was just really tender and that is where the bleeding was coming from.  So, I had another ultrasound at 10 weeks when I went in to make sure everything was ok.

It was amazing to see how much he had grown.  He looked more like a gummy bear instead of a bean now!

We shared with Joe's family at 11 weeks that I was pregnant!  We were going to  have a pool party at 12 weeks when we were going to tell everyone, including his grandma and extended family, but we couldn't hold out.  Bob and Sharon came down for a few days and we went to dinner with James and Shelby, and Serena and Dave.  So, Joe announced it at dinner and everyone was so excited for us!   Sharon was here the following weekend for the pool party when we shared with his grandma and extended family, and I invited her to come with us to our appointment if she wanted to.  She was excited to come, and we're so glad she did!  Apparently they normally don't do an ultrasound at 12 weeks, they just listen to the heartbeat.  Well, Joe had driven an hour from work to come to the appointment to see the baby, and Sharon was with us, so we asked if we could have an ultrasound done and the dr said it was no problem.

So amazing how much he had grown in just two weeks!  It's so incredible!

During the ultrasound she asked if we were wanting to know the gender.  I think it took us a little by surprise because we weren't expecting to know that until about 20 weeks.  We said yes that we were wanting to know and she said she saw something between his legs and said she would say 80% chance it was a boy=)  I don't think I've ever seen Joe smile as big as he did at that moment!  Ever since we found out I was pregnant, when he prayed he would always say "bless HIM"(and put big emphasis on HIM when he said it)  or put his hands on my stomach and say "how's my little boy doing?" I had been hoping for a girl, but to see him so happy I really couldn't be disappointed.  We were both just so glad he was growing normally. 

This was taken at 13 weeks.  I felt huge then=)  My belly was starting to poke out.

Well, about 3 weeks later I had another "scare" when the bleeding got a little darker and a big clot came out when I went to the restroom.  I tried to stay positive and not worry that night, but I was so terrified that next morning heading to the dr.  The nurses knew me by name and recognized my voice over the phone I'm sure.  I had called them so often, and they were always so great about having me come in right away whenever anything changed.  My dr was on call at the hospital so another dr saw me, which I was actually happy about just because I wanted a second opinion about all the spotting/bleeding and to make sure everything was really ok.  She did another ultrasound, which would end up being the last one I would have. She said everything looked great with the baby, and the bleeding was just coming from my cervix.  She told me to just take it easy over the weekend, and to keep my feet up when possible.  I asked her if I needed to be on bed rest and she said no.  She could see the bleeding in the ultra sound and it was in the cervix and that there was no harm to the baby unless I started contracting.  So, I left that day feeling relieved and Joe was relieved when I called and told him everything was ok.

This picture was darker, but you can see his cute little profile and see how much he has grown just since 12 weeks.

I had gone to the dr on Thursday(May 17th) and on Monday (May 21st) Our world was shattered! (I have shared the story so many times now, that you would think it would get easier.  But sitting here, I just cant stop crying as I type this, and I am literally covered in tissues.)

I went to bed Sunday night not feeling well.  Just the normal nausea and feeling really tired.  When I woke up Monday I still wasn't feeling too great.  Joe was at work and I just went and laid on the couch and watched some tv.  By about 11 I was feeling really tired again and my lower stomach area was really starting to hurt.  I googled lower abdominal pain during 15 weeks of pregnancy, and I found comment after comment on babycenter.com of women saying they were feeling pain around that time.  Some had said they had gone to see their dr and had been told it was just pain cause by the uterus growing and your tummy starting to stretch.  So, I took some tylenol and went and laid back in our bed and didn't think too much of it.  Pretty soon I was feeling a tight, kind of stabbing pain and it was happening every 5 minutes or so.  I also felt like I needed to use the restroom all the time. (#2) Around 11:45 I called my Dr's office and spoke with the nurse.  I told her I was having really bad lower abdominal pain and that I also felt like I needed to use the restroom.  She immediately thought it was constipation.  She said she would send in a prescription and to take that and let them know if it didn't feel better.  She also mentioned that when I had been there last Thursday I had tested positive for a bacterial infection and she would send a prescription for that as well.  Well, I was in such pain every 5 minutes that I really didn't think I could get to the pharmacy.  I had had really bad constipation with my first pregnancy because I had taken Zofran for my extreme nausea.  I had gotten a prescription for constipation then and still had some of that.  So, I took one of those, and laid back down.  By now I knew it was my Dr's lunch hour and I just laid there and endured the pain every 5 minutes until about 1:45.  Pretty soon it was getting harder to breathe through the pain that came consistently every 5 minutes.  I called Joe and asked if he had meetings that afternoon or if he could come home because I wasn't feeling well.  I told him I felt like I was having contractions but I had called the dr and the nurse had said it was constipation.  I asked him to come home and stop and get the medicine on the way.

I called the office again around 1:45 and I was laying on the floor in pain.  I told the nurse I was having consistent pain every 5 minutes and it had gotten worse.  I told her "I have never had a kid before, but I would imagine this is what contractions would feel like!"  She asked if I had taken the medicine for constipation and I told her I hadn't been able to leave the house because of the pain, but I had taken some medicine I had been prescribed in an earlier pregnancy for constipation and it did nothing.  So, she said my dr wasn't back from lunch yet, but she would talk to her and call me back.  By this time I didn't know what to do.  I remembered Tiff telling me she sat in the bathtub with warm water when she had started having contractions, so I decided to try that to see if it would help ease the pain.  It did help me feel a little bit better, but the sharp pains were still consistent every 4 or 5 minutes. The nurse called me back when I was in the tub and said she had spoken with the dr and her response was that it sounded like complications from constipation and I just needed to take the medicine.  By this time I was so frustrated that I just said "Ok, thanks!" and hung up.

I was laying back in the tub and then I sat up, and I felt something kind of "pop" inside or release.  The pain wasnt as intense.  Then I started to see a little blood, then some tiny clots, and then more blood.  I remember thinking to myself "Great!  This can't be good!"  The next thing I knew there was more and more blood so I started draining the tub and just running water.  Then I had the urge to stand up, so I kind of half way stood up.  What happened next, I will NEVER forget.  I felt something coming out, so I reached my left hand down to catch it, and the next thing I knew I was holding my baby in my hand. I sat there for a minute just staring at him in shock.  He was so tiny, the tip of his head was at my fingertips, his little body in my palm, and his feet reached to a little bit past my wrist.  His eyes were still dark spots that were covered by a layer of skin, but he had all his body parts.  His arms were bent and resting on his chest, and his little hands were resting up near his collar bone area.  He had the tiniest little hands and feet, and his legs reminded me of Joe's.  The dr had been right, he was for sure a boy.  The umbilical cord must have just torn when he came out, because there was still a little piece attached to his belly button.  He had the tiniest and cutest little ears, nose and mouth.  I noticed all of those things within a matter of seconds, and realized his little legs were moving slightly.  Then his mouth opened and I saw him try to breathe in.  His little rib cage went in and out.  I quickly called the nurse again and told her I had had a miscarriage, and I was holding the baby in my hand.  I said  "He's trying to breathe, is there anything I can do?!" I could sense the shock in her voice but then she said "No, I'm sorry there is nothing you can do." She asked if I was bleeding heavily and I told her it wasn't very bad at that point.  She said to come in as soon as I could.  I told her I thought I could be there in about 20 minutes.  

After I got off the phone with her I called Joe.  I told him I miscarried.  He said "how do you know?!"  My response was "I'm holding the baby in my hand."  He said "What!?!" and then he started to cry.  "I'm so sorry" I said.  I told him not to worry about getting the medicine, to just come home.  After that I just sat there holding my baby in my hands and staring at him.  His ribcage went in and out again, and I remember just saying out loud "I love you so much!  I'm so sorry!"

I never cried during all of this.  I felt like I wanted to, or I should be, but I just couldn't.  I remember thinking.....I'm pretty sure this is going to be really traumatic later.  I'm sure at that point I was just in shock.  I heard Joe walk in the front door about 5 minutes later.  I wasn't sure if he would want to see the baby or not, so I held him lower than the top of the tub so he couldn't see him.  When he walked in, he did it kind of cautiously.  I asked "Do you want to see him?"  He walked over and looked over the tub at our baby in my hand, and then he went over to our bed and just collapsed in tears.  My heart was breaking for him.  Joe has wanted to be a daddy so badly and it is just so hard to watch him have to go through all of this heartbreak over and over.

After a few minutes I started to bleed more heavily.  Joe jumped up and went and called the dr.  I just sat in the tub, with the running water rinsing the blood away.  Joe came back in the bathroom and said "We've got to go! The dr said that you could lose too much blood, and there could also still be remnants left inside your uterus that could cause infection. Joe doesn't do well with blood or needles.  He has always said when I had a baby he would be outside the room with a walkie talkie because the sight of blood would make him faint.  When I needed him most though, he stepped right up and was there to help me.  I can't even imagine what I would have done if he hadn't gotten home when he did.  

 I had Joe get a little white washcloth that we had and I wrapped the baby in it, then got out of the tub and stacked about 3 pads on top of each other and got dressed and we wrapped two big towels around my waist.  I asked Joe if we should call an ambulance and he said by the time they got there he could have me to the ER.  So, we got in the truck and he drove with his hazard lights on as fast as he could without putting us or anyone else in danger.  He called Shelby to see if she knew what side of the hospital the ER was on.  When we got to the ER we used valet parking and Joe went right in with me and they took us back immediately.  I had soaked through the towels by this point and after they got me laid down on the bed, the pain became excruciating!  The nurse had to ask me all these questions and I just kept crying out in pain.  I was getting so frustrated that they had to ask me questions instead of just giving me pain medicine.  After about 30 minutes they finally gave me some morphine and it seemed to kick in immediately.  I had still continued to bleed and then I felt like I needed to push.  The nurse checked me and said "don't push yet, I need to get the doctor!"  When they came back, I was able to pass the placenta and then the pain stopped.  I can tell you now, that I will never not have an epidural if I ever have a child!  The pain is so intense, I don't know how women do it naturally!  I felt like I was going to die from the pain!

James and Shelby were there almost immediately, and after things calmed down and I had gotten an ultrasound to make sure everything was out of my uterus, they let James come back with us.  Joe wanted him there when we had to put the baby in a container to give to the hospital. Since James is in medical school he figured it wouldn't bother him too much.  I think Joe was wanting him to do it, but I wanted to look at him again, and take a couple pictures to remember him and how small he was, and just look at him one last time before they took him away.  He was my sweet little baby boy who I had grown to love so much over the 15 weeks he was inside me and it was so hard for me to say goodbye to him.  It's amazing how much we loved him after such a short amount of time.

It was so nice to have James and Shelby, and Serena there with us for support at the hospital.  Family is such a blessing, and I don't know what we would do without them.  I called my mom and my sister from the hospital and just hearing their voices gave me comfort.  Joe and I laugh about this now, but on the way home(just after we had left the hospital) we got pulled over.  It was this huge ordeal and I think the shock was wearing off and I had already starting crying before we got pulled over, so I just started bawling.  It had been the worst day ever, or so I thought, until we added getting pulled over on top of it!  We ended up just getting a warning, and we were so grateful for that.  There's nothing like the price of a ticket, on top of ER bills to totally ruin your already horrible day!  I was so exhausted that I just came home and went to bed.  Everything hit me over the next few days and I cried and cried until I thought I didn't have any more tears left, and then I would cry some more.  I can't explain the level of sadness that I felt.  It's nothing I've ever felt before.  On many occasions I thought about the atonement and how my sadness and pain alone seemed almost unbearable, and I just couldn't imagine what the Savior must have felt in the Garden of Gethsemane bearing everyone's sins, pain, and sadness.  I also experienced so many different emotions over the next couple of weeks.  I felt sadness, then guilt, then anger, and more sadness.  Joe's mom passed away a few years ago, and he has experienced that deep sadness and all of those feelings.  He said when you mourn you experience them all.  It gives us comfort to know that our sweet baby is with Joe's mom, and many other family members who have passed on.  We know this is just goodbye for now, and that we will have the blessing of getting to raise him during the millenium.

Our families and Ward have been so loving and supportive.  We know there have been so many prayers in our behalf and we have felt so loved throughout all of this.  Our counter has been filled with gorgeous flower arrangements and sweet cards and we have had close friends come by to visit and check on us.  We know we haven't been alone in this, and for that we are extremely grateful.

Just as an update... the ER Doctor wanted me to have a follow up visit with my dr the next day.  We decided to change doctors and my friend recommended a great one to us within the same practice just at a different office, so we went to see her that next day.  She said she thinks I have a condition called Cervical Incompetance which means my cervix opens prematurely (around 18 to 22 weeks normally) mine just opened really early.  I know it is nothing I had control over, and I honestly tried to do everything in my power to make sure things would be ok.  I visited the dr any time there were any sort of changes.  The feeling of guilt I spoke of earlier comes from knowing the baby was fine (he was still alive when I miscarried) and that my body just wasn't strong enough to do what it was supposed to to keep him inside and alive.  1 in 100 Women have this condition and it is easily fixed.   The dr said there is no way they would have known without something like this happening because my cervix measured normally in all my ultrasounds.  She is going to refer me to a high risk specialist and she said she thinks what will happen next time is they will just put a stitch in my cervix around 12 weeks to keep it closed and then they remove it around 37 weeks.  So, there is a silver lining in all of this.  They at least know how to help me.  My visit with the specialist is in a few weeks so hopefully that's what it is.  It was also a blessing that it didn't happen later when Joe is on his scout camp.  They are canoeing down a river and he will have no cell service.  I can't even imagine going through this without him.  He has seriously been so amazing through all of this.  I love him so much and can't imagine my life without him.  We grow stronger and closer with each miscarriage it seems.  I just wanted to be home and to be with him all the time after it happened because I knew he knew what I was going through.  The first day we went back to work was so hard because I didn't want to be away from him.  He has been so amazing and never made me feel like it's my fault with any of our miscarriages. He's just loved me and told me that it will happen when it's meant to happen.  Apparently it isn't our time yet.  

Things have gotten a little bit easier every day.  My sweet mom dropped everything to fly out here and be with us.  It wasn't as fun for her as it could have been because Joe and I weren't ourselves because we were so sad.  My best friend flew out the next week and things got easier that week when she was here.  I still cry a little bit every day, but I'm doing better.  We started looking at houses, and that has really helped me keep my focus on something other than my miscarriage.  Everything happens for a reason, and we know one way or another we will be blessed with a child.  If we have to adopt, so be it.  We're going to try at least one more time to have our own baby, but who knows what will happen after that.  I'm grateful that I'm able to get pregnant.  That in itself is a huge blessing.  We're grateful that we got to see our sweet baby.  Nobody WANTS to see their baby at 15 weeks, but Joe and I talked about what a miracle it is to have seen him, and to see God's hand in this process.  He was so tiny, yet so developed and intricate at just 15 weeks. If this had happened at a hospital, they wouldn't have let us see him, so even though it's been so hard, we're grateful it happened the way it did if it had to happen.

We will always love our sweet baby boy, and we will never forget him and the blessing that he's been in our lives.  We know this isn't good-bye, it's just see you later.  We took these pictures to share with everyone on facebook that I was pregnant.  I never felt good about posting them, and now I know why.   We will always remember this pregnancy, and be grateful that we took these pictures.