Emotional Hurdles

10-28-12  I have been very emotional over the past couple of weeks knowing that this week was coming.  Even writing this now is making me cry. I hit 15 weeks of pregnancy this week, which is how far along I was when I lost our last baby..... 15 weeks and 2 days to be exact. A week from that mark in this pregnancy, also would have been the due date of our baby boy.  So, I get to tackle two big days in the next two weeks. Before I got pregnant this last time, I thought that getting pregnant again would help me be able to move on from that last miscarriage.  I was wrong.  It hasn't gotten easier really.  I don't think it's something I will ever forget and be able to "move on" from.  That experience is a part of me, and that sweet baby boy will always hold a special place in my heart.  Joe and I will always miss him and those feelings will never go away.  Sometimes I've just laid in bed and started to cry.  Joe can usually guess right away what I'm thinking and feeling.  I know he goes through the same thing because he will often say "I miss our boy."  I've found that with time the extreme sadness and weight that I felt has been lifted somewhat, but I don't think it's something you "move on" from.  I feel the same way about my grandmother's death.  I never stop missing her, but I don't feel that deep sadness as often anymore like I did when she passed away.  I assumed it would get easier when I got pregnant again, but if anything, this pregnancy has just made me think about him more.  I constantly think to myself "at this point last time, this is what was going on..."

Moving into our house, and leaving our apartment last week was very hard for me. The time finally came when we had to get everything moved over and turn in our keys.  Joe had to work last Saturday so I cleaned the apartment for our final inspection.  When I was done, I just had to sit there for a few minutes and cry.  That was our first apartment together after we got married, we had our first big fight there(over stuffing on Christmas=) ), that's where we spent our first Christmas together, it's where we found out I was pregnant all 4 times, it's where we've shared birthdays, friends and family have come to visit, and so many more wonderful memories.  The hardest thing though was leaving the place where I  held my baby boy for the first time, and witnessed the miracle of life.  Some may think I would want to get away from where that traumatic day in our lives happened, but that's not how I felt.  I guess in a way I felt like the apartment where it happened, and the memories there are all that I had left.  It may seem crazy, but unless you have experienced something similar then it would really be hard to relate to or understand.

 I did dry most of the flowers that we received from friends and family who sent their condolences, and I found a cute glass jar to put them in as something to visually remind us of him.  I'm also going to frame the picture Joe and I took to share I was pregnant with him.  I will always be so grateful that we took these pictures.

It gives us comfort to know that he is with Joe's mom, and my grandma.  Hopefully after these next couple of weeks things will get a little easier, since I won't have any previous pregnancies to relate to after next week.  I know we will both always miss him.

Birthday Surprise

OCTOBER

After I found out I was pregnant, I started thinking of creative ways to tell my family once again that I was pregnant.   Joe and I alternate Thanksgiving and Christmas between our families and this year it was our turn to spend Christmas with my family.  I decided what would be really fun would be just to show up 23 weeks pregnant.  My mom always picks us up from the airport so she would be the first to know, and the thought of seeing her reaction and everyone else's in person seemed really fun!  I had never gotten to a stage of actually looking pregnant, so they had never seen me with any sort of "bump" and I thought it would be great fun, at least for Joe and me, if we just showed up and surprised them!=)  ha ha!  So, that was my original plan.  Well, somehow my plans never seem to really work out.  I don't know why I even come up with them any more=) 

My mom and I share a birthday, which happened to be 3 days after I got my stitch put in.  I had already sent her card and present when Joe and I went to my appointment after I had gotten the cerclage.  Well, I decided I had better ask my doctor if I would be allowed to fly home for Christmas.  Turns out his answer was no!=(  He said around 20 weeks that I would most likely be on house arrest, and possibly bed rest, depending on how things were going.  He also said he didn't want me to be too far away from him in case something happened.  My heart dropped and I tried hard not to cry right there in his office.  I wasn't going to be able to spend Christmas with my family, AND I wasn't going to be able to share with them in person that I was pregnant again.  As disappointed as I was, I knew the most important thing right now was this sweet baby, and doing all I could to make sure he or she was kept safe and healthy and nothing was worth risking that.

So, I had to come up with plan B.  All of my siblings and their families go to my parent's house for dinner on the 2nd, and 4th Sundays of the month.  If someone has a birthday that is when they usually celebrate it all together, unless it's one of the grandkids.  Then their parents usually throw a birthday party.  Anyways, so I found out from my mom she had not opened her present or card I had sent yet.  She was waiting until October 21st when they celebrated with the family.  So, I decided I would send something before then that she could open to share with everyone that I was pregnant.  We usually ichat or facetime on the birthday Sundays to watch family open presents, read cards, and blow out the candles.  So, they wouldn't suspect anything=)  

I decided to write a poem to my mom from the baby, and include a sonogram picture.  I framed it so it's something she could keep and display if she wanted.  I'm no poet, mind you, but I was able to come up with something that turned out pretty cute.  I let my mom know I was sending one more package for her to open on her birthday because I had come across something I knew she would absolutely love and had to get it.  =)  

When the 21st finally came we anxiously watched as she opened her cards and presents, and we told her to save ours for last.  As soon as she opened it, the tears started flowing......from their side and from ours.  She excitedly turned it around to show everyone and then started to read them the poem.  It took a couple start and stops to gain her composure and wipe tears, but she made it through the entire thing.  Tiff was holding the ipad, and scanned the room at one point to show the tears and emotions that everyone in the room was feeling.  It was a very special moment that I will never forget.  Everyone was so loving, supportive, and excited for us.  

     

I had always shared with them that I was pregnant around 6 or 7 weeks, so this was the first time I was in the second trimester before sharing.  Things are going well so far, and I know our prayers and the prayers of our family and friends are being heard.  I really feel like it hasn't been this child's time to come to earth yet, as much as we have wanted it.  The trials that Joe and I have faced together as we have struggled to bring a child into this world, have really strengthened our relationship and love so much.  It was such a fun day to be able to share the exciting news with my family!  

The Miracle Stitch

10-3-12 I'm eleven weeks pregnant this week, and I had my cerclage put in today.  We had to go to a surgical center early this morning. Time has flown by!  I couldn't believe it was already time to have the stitch put in!  This will hopefully be the answer to our prayers of being able to have a child.

I started feeling really nervous after we got there.  I really didn't know what to expect.  The last time I had been somewhere like that, was when I had my d&c done to remove the piece of the placenta that was still in my uterus after I lost our baby.  I got changed into a gown like last time, had an IV put in, and then a bunch of wires hooked up.  The nurse was so sweet, and made me feel comfortable up until Dr. Cook came back to talk to us.  When he arrived I knew it was "go time" and my heart started racing. The unknown is scary, especially when it comes to medical procedures.  I'm not sure how he actually put the stitch in, and I really didn't want to know.  I think I stressed less because I didn't know exactly what my body was about to go through.  My doctor is so sweet and I trust him 100%.  Of course, he and Joe had to talk about Aggie Football before Joe headed to the waiting room.=)

All I can say is thank heaven for anesthesia.  Today was a little different from my last surgery because I remember more.  Last time I didn't remember even saying goodbye to Joe.  This time they started the medication through my IV right before they started to wheel me back to the operating room.  I felt really nervous then.  I remember being pushed down the hall into a different room and them asking me to move over from the bed to something else.  Not sure if it was a table, or what.  I remember lifting myself over, and that's all I remember. I don't have any bruises, so I'm assuming I was successful at moving my body before the medication completely knocked me out. =) Waking up this time was a little more rough.  I would wake up a little, then feel SO tired and totally zonk out again.  This happened repeatedly.  After about the 3rd time I started to feel frustrated with myself a little, because I wanted to wake up and see Joe but I really had no control over my body.  I had the sweetest nurses before and after.  I had to eat some crackers, drink some water, and they wanted me to go to the restroom before they would let me leave.  Joe came back and helped me get dressed.  I was still SO out of it.  They wheeled me out to the car in a wheelchair, and then we headed home.  When we got home I took my pain meds and went to bed.  I slept most of that day.  The anesthesia just totally knocked me out all day.  They had prescribed a pain medication that really kept me from feeling much discomfort afterward.  So thankful for that!  It's exciting to know now that the cerclage is in, and that this pregnancy I have a better chance of making it full term.  My doctor said that once he got in to do the surgery, it was very apparent that I do in fact have a weak cervix.  So, that's a relief that he for sure knows that's what was the cause of my last miscarriage. Everything happens for a reason, and I guess the timing of this pregnancy worked out well.  Heavenly Father must have known we didn't need to do the other tests that we had scheduled before I found out I was pregnant.  We feel much better that our chances of finally having a baby join our family are much higher now.  There are still a lot of things that could go wrong, but we're just going to have faith and trust in God's plan for us. We can get through anything, as long as Joe and I have each other.  

The nurse on the right helped me before the surgery, and the one on the right helped me afterward.  They were both so sweet!  

A DAY AT A TIME

September 2012

 I have been seeing my doctor every week.  I am extremely grateful for him. He is the type of doctor that takes extra precautions and would rather be "safe than sorry" and that is EXACTLY what I need right now.  He does an ultrasound every week, just to check things and is always so kind whenever I have any questions.  As of now, the plan is that I will have my cerclage put in at 11 weeks.  Usually it's done around 14 weeks but since I lost our last baby at 15 weeks he wants to do it early.  So, my surgery is scheduled for October 3rd.  That's 3 days before my birthday!  At 16 weeks he said I will start weekly progesterone shots, and at 20 weeks I will most likely be on bedrest.  I'm not really thrilled about that, but at this point I will do anything to get this baby here!   Our goal is to at least make it to 24 weeks( if anything were to happen then, there is at least a chance the baby could survive with a lot of medical help).   I'm praying we make it to that point, and well beyond.   I'll get a steroid shot at 26 and then 32 weeks to help the baby's lungs mature early in case anything should happen and he or she came early.   After that our goal is 28 weeks, 32, 36, and so on.  So, it sounds like he has a great plan laid out.  I feel really confident in his abilities as an OB and I feel like we will be eternally indebted to Heavenly Father, and to Dr. Cook if this all turns out okay.  It seems like I have a long road ahead of me, but I'm just trying to take it day by day, and week by week.

On the flip side,  I have been feeling SO nauseous!  It's not as bad as my first pregnancy with the twins where I was throwing up all day every day and couldn't even keep a popsicle down, but it's no picnic either!  I feel better when I lie down, so any chance I get that's where I am!  Luckily I'm only working 3 days a week, and I have a big break during the day while the kids are at school to just go home and lie down. The only things that I can keep down are applesauce, graham crackers, TOAST(that's pretty much mostly what I eat) and oddly enough, eggs. I'll eat scrambled eggs for breakfast, and then a fried egg on toast for dinner most days.  I'm exhausted physically, and emotionally.  This is my 3rd time going through the first trimester in the last year and a half and I feel like I've been sick more than I havent.  It has really made me grateful for the good health that I do have when I'm not pregnant.  Feeling sick really gets my spirits down, and I can't imagine having to live like that all day every day of my life.  I told Joe "this may be our only kid because I don't think I can go through this again." He gets so bored when I'm sick because I never feel like doing anything but lying down.  I don't cook, I barely manage the laundry, and hardly vacuum, dust or clean anything.  The quality of life goes down for both of us. He said that this might be my only pregnancy because he doesn't know if HE can handle it again!  Ha ha!=) No really though, he is very loving and supportive and does the best he can to juggle work, his calling, a miserable wife and dirty apartment.  I'm anxiously awaiting the 12 week mark hoping that all goes well with the baby, and also hoping that the nausea will start to ease up.

9 Weeks

The Heartbeat

09-04-12 I had my second appointment today.  I had no idea how far along I was, so that was my number one question of the day.  They asked if it would be okay if another doctor did the ultrasound because my doctor was doing a delivery.  I was completely fine with it.  She was young, and so sweet and personable.  I started to feel really nervous when she  started the ultrasound, but she quickly said "There's your baby, and there's the heartbeat!"  I hadn't thought I was far enough along for there to be a heartbeat yet, and hadn't really even considered the fact that I might have gone to my appointment that day, and not seen a heartbeat and found out it wasn't a viable pregnancy.  I'm SO glad I didn't have to go through that, especially since Joe wasn't with me.  A flood of relief washed over my body thinking about what could have been, and I couldn't help but smile at the good news! It is so incredible to me to see the heartbeat of something SO tiny.  What a miracle it is!  If that doesn't testify of the reality of God, I don't know what does.

Since I never had a period after my last miscarriage and d&c, she had to measure the embryo to find out how far along I was.  She meaured 3 times and then said "Looks like your due date is April 21st......you're 7 weeks along!" I couldn't believe it! I had taken a pregnancy test with Joe there with me, back on August 3rd.  I had been feeling a little "off" and thought I was pregnant.  The test, however, said I was NOT pregnant.  I took another, same result.  So feeling a little disappointed, but glad that I had the answer, we had gone about our lives and not really thought about it.  I guess it had just been too early to tell at that time.  I had been pregnant then though!.  I realized quickly after I walked out of my appointment, that my due date was the day before my nephew Korver's birthday! I can't help but feel excited, and relieved.  I'm so glad I was able to get pregnant so quickly.  I'm still VERY scared and nervous, but we'll see how things go.

I immediately called Joe after I left, and shared the good news with him.  He couldn't believe I was already 7 weeks along, and that I had seen the heartbeat!  He was very happy to hear the news!  I wanted to call my mom and sister so badly and tell them, but I refrained.  We'll wait and see how the first trimester goes.  It's sad, but I now feel like the boy that cried wolf when it comes to telling my family I'm pregnant.  We've had the big moment where we tell everyone, twice now (the third pregnancy we lost very early so I hadn't shared it with them yet) and we have yet to actually make it through the pregnancy.  Hopefully everything will finally work out this time.  Joe has always told me "It will happen when it's meant to." I'm just praying that THIS is it!

New Beginnings

I mentioned in an earlier post that Joe and I have been taking some big "grown up" steps in our lives.  Besides purchasing our first home, I am also pregnant again!!  I'm 26 weeks along this week and things are going better than I ever could have dreamed.  I have been hesitant to share much until we got to this point, but I have been keeping somewhat of a little journal of my pregnancy and figured I would share it with my family and friends.  Especially since so many of you were there to support me during my very difficult miscarriage in May. If you missed the post I wrote about that very difficult experience, you can read about it here.  http://joeandbre.blogspot.com/2012_06_01_archive.html

After that miscarriage I ended up having to have a D&C to remove part of the placenta that was still in my uterus so it didn't cause infection.  I was heartbroken when the doctor called to tell me that was what she had seen in the ultrasound.  I was almost at the month mark, and would only have to wait one more month to try again to get pregnant.  So, this news was sad and upsetting because after the surgery I would have to wait 2 more months to try to get pregnant again so my body could heal. I felt like it was going to take forever again for me to get pregnant.

Everything went well with the surgery.  Thank heaven for Anesthesia!  I don't remember a thing!=)

The emotional healing is an entirely different story.  It has been by far the hardest thing I have ever had to get past.  Not a day passed for many many months that I didn't think about my baby boy, and shed tears over losing him.  Even now, I still shed tears just thinking about it.  That experience will always be with me, and I will always love and miss that little angel.

Fast forward to August................

I didn't feel confident with the practice and doctors that I was seeing, so I reached out to women in our ward for recommendations of doctors who specialized in high risk pregnancies.  I knew I would most likely have to have a cerclage and wanted a doctor that would be able to help me with that.  A sweet friend in our ward called and highly recommended her doctor.  She said he was the doctor that the doctors recommend.  She was pregnant with twins and had a cerclage in for safety precautions, and just raved about how much she loved her doctor.  So, Joe and I set up an appointment to meet with him.  Joe found out he went to A&M and they totally hit it off.  We were both blown away by how confident and knowledgeable he was!  I told him about my miscarriage and he said that it was his job to try and figure out what happened and to help us have a healthy pregnancy in the future.  He immediately ran tests that day, made a plan for a hysteroscopy, and Joe and I instantly completely trusted him and felt SOO much better than we ever had with my past doctor.

Fast forward to the end of August.................


08/27/12  I took a pregnancy test this morning because I have been feeling nauseous for the past little while.  I completely expected it to say "not pregnant" because Joe and I took two tests together about 3 weeks ago, and I thought I was pregnant then, and both said "not pregnant."  I was surprised when I looked down after brushing my teeth this morning, and saw "Pregnant!"  I knew the nauseousness had not been in my head!=)  When I start wanting to eat applesauce and graham crackers all the time, I know something's up!=)


I have a hysteroscopy scheduled tomorrow morning, where Dr. Cook was going to take a small camera up into my uterus to make sure it's shaped correctly, and that there's nothing structurally wrong that may be contributing to my miscarriages.  That's not an option now because I'm pregnant.  I went in to his office today and had them do a pregnancy test just to make sure.  Dr. Cook also did an ultrasound, and sure enough there is a little bean in my uterus! I can't believe I'm already pregnant again!  I felt like it was going to take forever again, and I'm so relieved that it didn't.  I'm also really nervous because I felt like the hysteroscopy may have provided some answers, and now I'm not able to have that done.  Everything happens for a reason though, and I will try not to worry or stress about it.  I have complete trust in my new doctor, and feel much more confident in his abilities to help us bring a child into this world.  It's kind of sad that Joe and I really don't get our hopes up anymore when I get pregnant.  We have been hurt so many times before that now we just see the positive pregnancy test as the first step.  There are many many more steps to come, and I know we're both afraid of being devastated again so we are very hesitant to let ourselves get excited.  I guess only time will tell what our future will hold. Joe did call me several times throughout the day today after I told him I had taken a test and it was positive.  I think he was anxious to hear how my appointment went and if I really was pregnant.  His voice was definitely chipper when I told him that their tests and ultrasound confirmed it! I feel so blessed, and so nervous.  We'll see what lies ahead for us.

On a side note,  I am really excited that if everything works out we should have our baby in time for us to be able to go to our big family reunion next summer with my dad's family.  In thinking about trying to get pregnant again, that was one of the things that kinda bummed me out....... that it may take a while for me to get pregnant again and I may not be able to go to the reunion.=)  Fingers crossed that all goes well and we can be there.

Our last Christmas with Just the Two of Us

This year for Christmas we stayed here in Pearland because my doctor wouldn't let me fly at this point in my pregnancy. Luckily I found out months in advance so I had time to prepare myself mentally.=)  We missed being able to spend time with my family, (especially my cute niece and nephews) but it ended up being better than I thought it would be.  Santa even came a little bit early for Joe this year.  He has been eying a smoker for a while now, and when the one he wanted was marked down $300 he just couldn't pass it up!  He called me and let me know he was at the store and he would be buying himself a Christmas Present.=) He rarely buys anything for himself, so I was more than happy about it! He has already made so many yummy things with it!

Since we just bought a new house and we have a baby on the way, I really wasn't wanting or expecting much for Christmas this year.  The only thing I  have been wanting is a new pillow, especially since my belly has been getting bigger.  There's nothing worse than not being able to sleep well at night.  Joe was sweet and picked out a really nice new memory foam pillow for me.  He said he had also gotten the baby a present and wanted me to open it.  Don't pay too much attention to the fact that I look a little scary=)  It was Christmas morning and I was still in my pjs!=)  

I was thinking it was a baby monitor or something, and I was really excited to open it.  You can tell from the hideous expression on my face that I was pleasantly surprised by what was in the box!

A new Silhouette Cameo!  I have been wanting one of these for years now!  It cuts out paper, vinyl, fabric, and I have seen so many cute things done with it!  I'm going to blame these next pictures on hormones!=)  I started crying after I opened it!  I have secretly been wishing for this for several past Christmases and Birthdays, and I couldn't believe Joe had been so sweet and gotten it for me.  I hadn't even said anything to him about it for a very long time!    

Of course Joe was laughing and taking pictures because he couldn't believe I was crying!=)  He said "you didn't even cry like this when I proposed!"  He was so sweet though and said later "I know you've wanted this, and since you're going to be home now until you have the baby I wanted you to have something to keep you from getting bored."  How sweet is he?! I have one amazing husband. 

Every year we draw names in my family and this year Tiffany and her family got our family.  I forgot to take a picture, but she made the cutest box of money(out of a box of chocolates) for Joe since he just wanted cash for his smoker.  I got some cute shirts that I have been needing with this growing belly, and a gift card to my favorite store(Hobby Lobby).  She was so excited for us to open the present for the baby.  She said she bought it before she even knew the gender because she would have kicked herself if she didn't buy it and found out we were having a girl.  Is this not the CUTEST thing you've ever seen?!

It's even wearing little high heels!  I can't wait until the nursery is done and we can put it in the baby's room.  Right now Joe has designated a spot on the mantel for it since we don't have many decorations yet!=)  I LOVE it!  Thanks Dillan!

We invited Joe's sister, Serena, and several families from our ward over that didn't have family to spend the holiday with.  I knew I would be depressed if I just sat there in a quiet house and thought about what my family was doing, and the fact that I couldn't be there.  So, we cleared out the front room, set up some church tables and chairs, and made a party out of it!  It ended up being so much fun!  I'm kicking myself for not taking a picture of everyone, but here were the tables all set up!

Joe even used his new smoker and smoked the turkey for dinner!  It was SO good!  

A few days after  Christmas we went to Palestine where Joe grew up.  His dad and Sharon are in Utah for the holidays so it was just us.  I love going to visit Palestine!  It's a small town so there's a slower pace and it's just so relaxing.  We went for a drive and Joe took me to the school he went to growing up, we cuddled and watched movies, went to restaurants he loves there, played games, and just took it easy.  We went to visit Joe's best friend Tanner, and we got to do some shooting out on their property.  It was so much fun to watch these boys together, laughing and having fun!  

They even shot up a couple pumpkins that Tanner's mom was done with.  

 I even took a turn, and I must say that Joe was pretty impressed with my shooting skills!=)  Don't judge my pink sweatpants.  It's Palestine!=)

After we got back we went and got Joe his other present he's been wanting so badly.  A new rifle. He couldn't decide if he wanted a 270 or 30-06, so for months he had been researching the differences, asking friends who owned either what they liked or didn't like about their rifle, and we went to Academy a thousand times so he could hold it and look through the scope!  I don't know who was more excited that he actually bought it!  I just wanted him to make up his mind and buy one already!=)  He used the money he got for Christmas, some of his bonus, and I pitched in some.  I had given him a camo jacket and shirt that he needed for hunting, but I didn't dare just buy the gun until I knew for sure what he wanted.  There's no returns on firearms so I couldn't mess up=)

Look at the smile on his face!  He was so happy to finally have a rifle for hunting.

If you were to ask me last Christmas if I thought I would have been in Pearland for Christmas I would have said NO WAY!! I was so excited to be home for Christmas, but I have learned that life doesn't always go how we plan it!  I need to learn to expect the unexpected!=)  We did have a wonderful Christmas, and I feel like Joe and I grew closer over the holidays by just spending so much time together since he was off work. It's our last Christmas with just the two of us, and under the circumstances it couldn't have been better.   Next year we will have a sweet baby girl to share it with!