Emotional Hurdles

10-28-12  I have been very emotional over the past couple of weeks knowing that this week was coming.  Even writing this now is making me cry. I hit 15 weeks of pregnancy this week, which is how far along I was when I lost our last baby..... 15 weeks and 2 days to be exact. A week from that mark in this pregnancy, also would have been the due date of our baby boy.  So, I get to tackle two big days in the next two weeks. Before I got pregnant this last time, I thought that getting pregnant again would help me be able to move on from that last miscarriage.  I was wrong.  It hasn't gotten easier really.  I don't think it's something I will ever forget and be able to "move on" from.  That experience is a part of me, and that sweet baby boy will always hold a special place in my heart.  Joe and I will always miss him and those feelings will never go away.  Sometimes I've just laid in bed and started to cry.  Joe can usually guess right away what I'm thinking and feeling.  I know he goes through the same thing because he will often say "I miss our boy."  I've found that with time the extreme sadness and weight that I felt has been lifted somewhat, but I don't think it's something you "move on" from.  I feel the same way about my grandmother's death.  I never stop missing her, but I don't feel that deep sadness as often anymore like I did when she passed away.  I assumed it would get easier when I got pregnant again, but if anything, this pregnancy has just made me think about him more.  I constantly think to myself "at this point last time, this is what was going on..."

Moving into our house, and leaving our apartment last week was very hard for me. The time finally came when we had to get everything moved over and turn in our keys.  Joe had to work last Saturday so I cleaned the apartment for our final inspection.  When I was done, I just had to sit there for a few minutes and cry.  That was our first apartment together after we got married, we had our first big fight there(over stuffing on Christmas=) ), that's where we spent our first Christmas together, it's where we found out I was pregnant all 4 times, it's where we've shared birthdays, friends and family have come to visit, and so many more wonderful memories.  The hardest thing though was leaving the place where I  held my baby boy for the first time, and witnessed the miracle of life.  Some may think I would want to get away from where that traumatic day in our lives happened, but that's not how I felt.  I guess in a way I felt like the apartment where it happened, and the memories there are all that I had left.  It may seem crazy, but unless you have experienced something similar then it would really be hard to relate to or understand.

 I did dry most of the flowers that we received from friends and family who sent their condolences, and I found a cute glass jar to put them in as something to visually remind us of him.  I'm also going to frame the picture Joe and I took to share I was pregnant with him.  I will always be so grateful that we took these pictures.

It gives us comfort to know that he is with Joe's mom, and my grandma.  Hopefully after these next couple of weeks things will get a little easier, since I won't have any previous pregnancies to relate to after next week.  I know we will both always miss him.